WHY THE HELL???

There are two pertinent problems with me which make me question why the hell am I in a B-school? Now this question HAS TO sound idiotic coming from a person who took CAT thrice and still managed not to get through and finally took an arranged marriage like deal to reach the gates of what is called Hell.

Yes… the problems:

Bad Memory
Bad sense of time

Ever since school days, I knew that I was bad at remembering names of people who meant nothing except recipient of some award or inventors of some thing which deserved a mention in our GK books. With people I met even once, I would remember their names forever… That was then, and I believe even till college.

But that kind of changed. I can’t remember names now unless I personally know anyone. It doesn’t matter if I’ve had personal interactions with the person.
Could it be that I’ve saturated the number of faces and names I can remember? After attending 2 schools(discounting the separate nursery & prep schools), 1.5 months of a science college, 4 years of B.Tech, 2 years of work, and now coming for a PG course, I have filled my memory to the point that I can accommodate more names and faces only when it is absolutely unavoidable or extremely outshining. There was a time I remembered phone numbers of everyone I knew and almost never had to look up the phone book for it… I hate to think about it but is it because I am growing(as I like to put it) wiser?

The two biggest faux pass I’ve done here as a result of these two problems deserve separate posts altogether… and so they shall get.

Meanwhile, there are good ways too in which I’ve changed

My closest friends have felt this over past years that I wouldn’t share a problem with them… and its true I wouldn’t. They’d ask… tu kuchh bataati kyun nahi hai?? Itna to bolti hun… would be my reply. But there comes the gap… Saying and telling… even small, insignificant things… I just dropped the habit somewhere after distances set me away from people I loved to share everything with, without the slightest of hesitation… S!m!, P@rul, Sh!kul, P@nz!… Talking on phone or meeting occasionally can not and does not substitute for what is there when you live together.

Sharma ji once said to me when I was truly in a bad state and still won’t open my mouth… not with them… not with family… Shweta, we all love you and you know it, but the problem is that you only love yourself… you just won’t tell us.

I wondered then how did he know?? Well, somehow he does… that’s a different story… Sharma ji can read minds… if he asks a question, you don’t even speak a word… but he’ll know the answer.

My thoughts were that why should I bore or bother people with trivial details or my small problems? How does it matter to them and how would it change things?

Call it the ‘Musketeers’ effect... this has taken a 360 degree turn.
I can’t hide anything even if I want to, and with them, I don’t want to, don’t need to.
I can’t explain the way this changed and how, or may be I can, but I would rather not. Coz sometimes saying things spoils them… I think they get the message..

Besides this, the culture of this place is also quite different… Right since induction, whenever you get into a group interaction with seniors/peers… they would ask you to introduce yourself such that you have to start by telling things you normally don’t go around telling the world about. Obviously, people don’t always like such forceful intrusions. But when you start with such things, you are forced to drop your inhibitions… and concentrate on here and now than keep guarding your past.

Its only once we speak out one thought do we stop cultivating it over and over and move on to the next.

Glad I found such friends where people find none… I miss my gold here.. but none the less, happy that they were once with me, and happier that I’ve found more to treasure!