Slightly insensitive... highly critical...

Wow!! these are the adjectives i got for myself from a person i 'perhaps' know best here and who 'perhaps' knows me best here... Hell as this is called. Not like i was being blasted with negativities; it came packed with lost, mature and 'you present yourself nicely' feedbacks...

Right. I agree thats what i have been since i have arrived here. What surprises me is that someone noticed. And what hits me is that it becomes a generalization, which i am forced to believe by everything i had in my life before coming to this city that it is not, though it could very well have been a specialized case at some points of time with not a lot of poeple.

Too many things coming to my mind today that i am actually writing about it.

I remember the first time i went out with the females of my course, ...hardly with any intention to see the upcoming malls of the city... rather hoping to know my classmates for 2 years better..., and we got down at a certain place and were walking down to reach a certain place and this girl was so lost, she almost met with an accident with a speeding bike while crossing the road before i called her out and as i like to believe... saved her life. Was she scared! You bet! She almost had tears trickle down her cheeks and i am sure was imagining what the consequences would have been had she actually collided with the bike until we reached the certain place and people pacified her. I had no problems with her colliding with the bike or with her lack of road sense, but the way she was scared... and the way i was mean... I told this(other) friend of mine, 'there are better ways of committing suicide... aren't there?' I am not sure how she perceived me at that moment... she just looked confused... she later asked me, you were really annoyed with her na... annoyed?? ha ha... i thought i was being comic... :)!!$%^^%

I don't know if this is making any sense and if you get the situation...
But for anyone whose reading this and abusing me... yes, i HAVE become kind of insensitive... In spite of knowing that it would have been scary shit had i(or anyone else) just saved myself from meeting an accident... i did not sympathise with the girl. Whats wrong with me? Where's the bonhomie?

Having spent a month here now, and still not caring much about people the way i used to earlier... Is it that i need more time... or that i've become too closed.... or that everyone's like that in a B-school... individualistic, as one of our profs told us... Or that its just this bunch of people i don't connect with too well... and am myself generalizing... Or that i have changed... and for the worse...

I wonder how it would have been had i met all these people 2 years back...

if i had just graduated the way most of them have and came here... little do they realize how much they care about things, how seriously they take everything and everyone, how they constantly make conscious efforts to be good to people and project a good image of themselves... and do sincerely believe that they are nice, well-cultured people and have done a great job by getting to this place... and carry attitudes shouting out the same... and also make conscious efforts to stay happy, no matter how vicariously or on how trivial an affair... its important for them to smile at their friends ALL the while... and to smug their shoulders when something serious comes up, like giving importance to any complex issue was the biggest crime people could commit unless it has certain direct devastating consequences.

I understand you all would like me to recollect all those nice quotes which ask you to smile to the world and it smiles back to you... and believe me, i am trying... but it gets on to me sometimes... sometimes... though things have started making more sense now than they used to earlier... With more people around and serious things to do... there is lesser need and no time to care about these trivialities... but i really don't want myself to turn into a misanthropist... i hope i am exaggerating and that not everyone around has the same adjectives ready for me... but i fear the opposite... or maybe fear not even having this fear... comfortably insensitive.

4th july 2007


That was then... 4th July... and i thought i'd never post it on this blog... Noone would take it well. And this would be one of those privileged posts which never get published.

However, something happened today that forced me to get back to this... another adjective... someone here says he is scared of me... what do is say?? $%^&@^^% Does that indicate that my misanthropic self is getting the better of me and the consequences are even uglier and oozing out? Though in this 'i'nteresting case, there exist alternate reasons, however strange they may be. But this reminds me of another of my classmates describing me as having a teacher-like attitude... that was way back.. during one of the intros with some of the seniors... But the doubt remains... ye ho kya raha hai yahan? koi samjhaayega? Either these creatures are wierd or i am becoming a wierd creature. And not to forget a scary one. Do i have to live with this kind of inconsonance of thought around?